Some people have way too much time…
Any day now, those Brits will be launching their ships to come across the Atlantic to take back their wayward colonies. They will laugh as they hoist their massive rubber band guns to their bony, pale shoulders, their teeth flashing crooked and off-white. Resplendent in their red uniforms, the Limey Rubbernecks will march in formation down Main Street, cowing the people with their motorized might. They mayor will approach, his hat in one hand, the keys to the city in another.
But then, just as a hush falls over the crowd as it strains to hear the American capitulation, a loud ‘PHWOK’ will echo over the crowd. Down goes the British General! His staff stand still, shocked and surprised, their eyes almost as white as the lone Ping Pong ball that rolls off the general’s corpse before bouncing and clacking down the steps to the stage.
They only have a moment to exchange bewildered stares before the Patriots rise up from their hiding places. Suddenly every window and ever rooftop is filled with the grim visage of a proud American and their trusty Ping Pong Ball Gun. They open fire.
At this point, it’s mass confusion. The air is thick with rubber and pong. The invaders turn to flee back to their waiting armada, but as they near the docks they encounter a phalanx of troops in Prussian blue – mercenaries hired by the Americans. The Hessians are as fearsome as their reputation, each a mobile god of destruction with a leafblower and a large hopper of ping pong balls.
There are few survivors.
And from his ship out in the harbor, the British statesman behind the planned invasion, the inventor of the Disintegrator Itself, stands in shock. All his dreams of being named the new Colonial Governor are forgotten now as he murmurs a final prayer. Then, tears in his eyes, he draws a rubber band from his pocket and wraps it around his hand, from hooked pinky to index finger. “God Save the Queen,” he says to his aide.
The dull THWAP of rubber hitting temple precludes any reply.
Justice Scalia and the other members of the high court were not persuaded by arguments that “one-party rule” effectively denied some people “a fair shot” at a judicial nomination.
“The reason one-party rule is entrenched may be (and usually is) that voters approve of the positions and candidates that the party regularly puts forward,” Justice Scalia wrote.
“I completely agree,” said Mr. Stalin. Chairman Mao, Kim Jong Il, and others also sent notes in praise of this decision.
“For years, we’ve been suffering from the lie that you need more than one party to have a democracy,” said Pol Pot. “I’m glad to see the United States Supreme Court put an end to that lie.”
In 12 pages of bad law, a North Dakota District Court judge has declared that using the “host” command with the “-l” option constitutes computer hacking. The “-l” option, which effects a DNS zone transfer, is only available to computers and maybe administrators, with the prior written consent of Major League Baseball.
Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said on Wednesday that one of the biggest threats to U.S. security may now come from within Europe.
In an interview with BBC radio, Chertoff said that American authorities were becoming increasingly aware of a real risk of Europe becoming a “platform for terrorists”.
He said it was important to step up security checks on passengers coming from Europe to the United States.
Clearly tourism in the States hasn’t declined enough yet…
In a stunning reversal of more than 200 years of conventional wisdom, failure—traditionally believed to be an unacceptable outcome for a wide range of tasks and goals—is now increasingly seen as a viable alternative to success, sources confirmed Tuesday.
Bush said despite Saudi Arabia’s connection to some of the Sept. 11 hijackers and terrorism ideology in general, he views the Saudis as “our friends.” He spoke of meeting with Saudi entrepreneurs and business leaders during his trip who worry that Americans view them as enemies, not friends.
“There’s a lot of really good people here,” Bush said. “Look, you can’t deny the fact that some, a majority, of the terrorists came from Saudi, but you should not condemn an entire society based upon the actions of a handful of killers.”
But apparently it is perfectly alright to condemn (and invade) a country based on the 9/11 attacks where none of the terrorists came from. Yep, you’re a warmonger.
For the record, in addition to the 15 Saudis, one was an Egyptian, one was Lebanese and two were from the Union of Arab Emirates (UAE).
None were from Iraq.
Here’s the secret that every successful software company is based on: You can domesticate programmers the way beekeepers tame bees. You can’t exactly communicate with them, but you can get them to swarm in one place and when they’re not looking, you can carry off the honey.
LAST Friday, in front of 4 million television viewers and a studio audience, the chef Jamie Oliver killed a chicken. Having recently obtained a United Kingdom slaughterman’s license, Mr. Oliver staged a “gala dinner,” in fact a kind of avian snuff film, to awaken British consumers to the high costs of cheap chicken.
“A chicken is a living thing, an animal with a life cycle, and we shouldn’t expect it will cost less than a pint of beer in a pub,” he said Monday in an interview.
“It only costs a bit more to give a chicken a natural life and a reasonably pleasant death,” he told the champagne-sipping audience before he stunned the chicken, cut an artery inside its throat, and let it bleed to death, all in accordance with British standards for humane slaughter.
But the most shocking of all may be his revelation that price wars have squeezed the profit margin of the modern poultry farmer to about 6 cents a bird. Mr. Oliver’s message to supermarket shoppers is clear: the only reason for the miserable lives lived by most chickens is your insistence on cheap food. After the broadcast, as reported in the British press, supermarkets across the United Kingdom quickly sold out of free-range eggs and chickens.
Pope Benedict XVI on Tuesday cancelled a speech at Rome’s La Sapienza university in the face of protests led by scientists opposed to a high-profile visit by the head of the Catholic Church to a secular setting.
“Following the well-noted controversy of recent days … it was considered appropriate to postpone the event,” which had been set for Thursday, a Vatican communique said, in the first such cancellation in the face of hostility since the pope’s election in April 2005.
Cini said of Benedict on Thursday: “By cancelling, he is playing the victim, which is very intelligent. It will be a pretext for accusing us of refusing dialogue.”