[Quote:]

“And Jesus spake, ‘Become thou now fishers of adjustable rate mortgages’”

“And Jesus rebuked the money changers for not colluding.”

“Noah commanded the dinosaurs to leave the ark, for they were kind of swarthy”

“No greater love hath a man than that he gets drunk & endlessly mumbles about the ‘socialist’ in the White House”

Change title of “Song of Solomon” to “Solomon’s Toe Taps”

“And Satan appeared to Eve in the shape of an ACORN”

“Blessed are the warbloggers, for they shall eat cheetos.”

“And David remained king for he had not put his little king into a woman’s mouth”

“And Sampson slew the Philistines with a jawbone of a stegosaurus”

“Jesus turned the water into napalm and laid waste to the Samaritans for what the Egyptians hath done”

“Woe be unto the Nazareth Post, for we countethed 13 million people at the Sermon on the Mount.”

“Go thou now and bomb the shit out of the swarthy”

“Jesus spake, ‘I hope those foreign bastards don’t translate my English into Greek.’

“And the Holy Spirit spake unto Mary, ‘Hast thou seen mine bald eagle etchings?’”

“Suffer the little children so their detained parents will talk.”

“And then Adam deliverethed a bill unto Eve for his rib.”

“Collective punishment exciteth me. Had to drape a fleece over mine loins for months after the Great Flood.”

“And behold, Jesus spake, ‘Take thine hands off mine fishes & loaves thou mooching motherfuckers’”

“And Jesus shankethed the census taker with a shiv.”

God forced to marry Mary.

Jesus turns water into Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Jesus beats leper for non-payment of healing fees.

[Quote:]

Almost one third of British secondary school children believe Google ranks search results in order of their truthfulness, according to new research by Ofcom.

The statistic – great news for Wikipedians, terrifying for the rest of us – was reported in the communications regulator’s annual report on children’s “media literacy”, out today.

Only a slightly larger proportion – 37 per cent – believe results are ranked on their usefulness or relevance. The next generation of cynics – 14 per cent of 12 to 15-year-olds – said websites pay money for the top spots.

Some 18 per cent said they didn’t know how Google and other search engines rank results, significantly up from four per cent last year.

[Quote:]

For our latest mission, over 2,000 people walked “invisible dogs” down the streets of Brooklyn on a Sunday afternoon. The leashes were on loan from the current owner of 51 Bergen Street, the factory space where the invisible dog toy was invented in the 1970s. Participants of all ages spread out from Red Hook to Brooklyn Heights, very seriously walking their very silly dogs.

[Quote:]

Writing at Belief.net, Rod Dreher highlights a new initiative on the religious right: the Conservative Bible Project. The effort aims to rewrite the Bible to remove its notorious liberal bias and clarify the gospel basis of free-market economics. It follows a ten-point guideline:

1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias
2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, “gender inclusive” language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity
3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the [New International Version] is written at only the 7th grade level
4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop; defective translations use the word “comrade” three times as often as “volunteer”; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as “word”, “peace”, and “miracle”.

[..]

5. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning

I hear they’ve replaced all the begats in Matthew with an image of Jesus’s birth certificate. The certified, long form copy. Just to eliminate any suspicion that he was born in Syria or something.

Render unto God that which is God’s, and render unto Caesar nothing because you shouldn’t have to pay for someone else’s healthcare.

So Jesus’ life really was worth thirty pieces of silver. the market has spoken!

[Quote:]

Ok, maybe I should expound beyond sweet christbabyjesus no. I have a feeling that post could turn into one of those posts that needs more explanation.

Jeff is correct, as far as I’m concerned.

[Quote:]

An Italian scientist says he has reproduced the Shroud of Turin, a feat that he says proves definitively that the linen some Christians revere as Jesus Christ’s burial cloth is a medieval fake.

The shroud, measuring 14 feet, 4 inches by 3 feet, 7 inches bears the image, eerily reversed like a photographic negative, of a crucified man some believers say is Christ.

“We have shown that is possible to reproduce something which has the same characteristics as the Shroud,” Luigi Garlaschelli, who is due to illustrate the results at a conference on the para-normal this weekend in northern Italy, said on Monday.

[..]

Carbon dating tests by laboratories in Oxford, Zurich and Tucson, Arizona in 1988 caused a sensation by dating it from between 1260 and 1390. Sceptics said it was a hoax, possibly made to attract the profitable medieval pilgrimage business.

But scientists have thus far been at a loss to explain how the image was left on the cloth.

Garlaschelli reproduced the full-sized shroud using materials and techniques that were available in the middle ages.

[Quote:]

A former Wachovia Bank executive who had handled insider fraud incidents says banks are in denial about just how massive the insider threat problem is within their institutions. Meanwhile, the economic crisis appears to be exacerbating the risk, with 70 percent of financial institutions saying they have experienced a case of data theft by one of their employees in the past 12 months, according to new survey data.

Shirley Inscoe, who spent 21 years at Wachovia handling insider fraud investigations and fraud prevention, says banks don’t want to talk about the insider fraud, and many aren’t aware that it’s an “epic problem.”

And that’s even excluding the bonus culture in management!