If your phone or iPad can connect to an Exchange server in the company you work for, don’t. Seriously.

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Members of the brilliant, highly trained, and dedicated team of elite professionals who work tirelessly behind the scenes to protect our nation and keep its citizens out of harm’s way announced Tuesday that they do not exist.

"I know most Americans like to believe there are selfless, ultra-intelligent operatives like me out there watching over everything from an underground control room," said the Rhodes Scholar Navy SEAL national security official who for the past 10 years we have all mistakenly presumed to be an actual human being. "Unfortunately, though, I’m not employed by the U.S. government, I’m not working at all hours to foil terrorist plots, nor am I part of some secret network of sharp, capable agents, because no such network exists."

"And again, neither do I," the imaginary man added.

According to the utterly nonexistent super-geniuses who we’ve been telling ourselves are keeping our nation safe with their superior technology and lightning-fast decision-making abilities, there are currently no living people who resemble them at the Pentagon, CIA, FBI, DHS, TSA, or any other federal, state, or local law enforcement agency, and there never really have been at any point in American history.

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One of the spinners in Whitnel Cotton Mill. She was 51 inches high. Has been in the mill one year. Sometimes works at night. Runs 4 sides – 48 cents a day. When asked how old she was, she hesitated, then said, "I don’t remember," then added confidentially, "I’m not old enough to work, but do just the same." Out of 50 employees, there were ten children about her size. Whitnel, North Carolina.

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WASHINGTON — Whistleblower website WikiLeaks is teaming up with news outlets to release a “massive cache” of classified US military field reports on the conflict in Iraq, Newsweek magazine reported on Friday.

Newsweek quoted Iain Overton, editor of The Bureau of Investigative Journalism, a London-based journalism nonprofit, as saying the material constitutes the “biggest leak of military intelligence” ever.

Newsweek said the stash of Iraq documents held by WikiLeaks is believed to be about three times as large as the number of US military field reports on Afghanistan released earlier this year by WikiLeaks.

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When August 31 of this year rolled around, Twitter disabled Basic Authentication for all clients but their own. Even though this flag day was well-publicized to developers, it still caught many developers and users unaware, and users running old versions found their applications suddenly breaking, through no fault of their own – unless they were running Twitter’s own app. Twitter gave itself a free pass to all the pain and frustrated users that everyone else had to cope with.

Side-effect – if your twitter client broke, just add “?source=twitterandroid” to the URL it is trying to read, and it is magically unbroken.

And the change to OAuth itself was implemented in such a broken way that they might as well not have bothered at all.

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Investigators, working with the support of the Belgian Catholic Church received 475 complaints of child abuse committed in the 1950s through to the late 1980s by Catholic clergy.

"We can say that no congregation escapes sexual abuse of minors by one or several of its members," the commission concluded.

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The newest Pew Research Center’s survey of where and how people get their news has been released, and while Fox News is still polling the oldest viewership, Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart are pulling the youngest. As Stewart educates his young viewers in the ways of FNC on a nightly basis, it is clear that he is the biggest long term media threat to Fox News.

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Speaking of television, Fox News has been able to hold its audience share because Republicans have been fleeing to the network. In 2002, Republicans were just as likely to watch CNN as they were to watch Fox News, but eight years later, 40% of all Republicans regularly watch FNC. Twelve percent of Republicans watch CNN and 6% watch MSNBC. Fox News does not lead the cable news ratings because there are more Republicans in the United States. They lead because they have been successful in consolidating the Republican audience.