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Top-secret janitor. Pollster to the spies. Classified comic book artist. Any organization sufficiently large is bound to have the odd job opening within it. But few organizations are as freakin’ colossal as the U.S. military intelligence industrial complex, with an estimated 4.9 million Americans holding security clearances today. Which means there are thousands of unconventional positions to fill at any given moment.

Here are some of the wilder military and intelligence “help wanted” ads we found online. Some classifieds are for truly wacky jobs. Others are for slightly more standard positions — but presented in an odd way. If you find more, let us know in the comments, on Twitter or on Facebook. We’ll post some of the best suggestions.

Military-Industrial Artist

Twitter Stalker

Russian Counter-Espionage Expert

Yiddish Linguist

Mexican Drug War Instructor

Bio-Weapons Hunter

Gallup Pollster

Top Secret Janitor

 

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So, here’s a very confusing thing that Americans For Tax Reform founder Grover Norquist tweeted this morning, apparently in reference to the fiscal cliff talks:

We had an election Boehner was elected speaker. Now lame duck obama should get over it. (Also 30 GOP governors)

That’s … kind of impressive, actually.  Norquist somehow managed to stuff, like, nine errors into fewer than 140 characters: 

How on Earth can the Onion compete with that?

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In an interview with The Daily Telegraph, Viviane Reding, the vice-president of the European Commission, attacked the Prime Minister over the Government’s proposal to opt out of European Union law enforcement and policing measures.

The justice commissioner expressed particular concern that the Government was “minded” to opt out from 135 EU crime and policing laws, including the European Arrest Warrant (EAW), which, she claimed, had “horrified” Britain’s own police force.

“Do you want criminals and paedophiles running around freely on the streets? Is that really in the United Kingdom’s interest? It is crazy,” she said.

Stop scaremongering, stupid bitch – crime fighting worked fine before your hallowed Europe even existed.

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Two of Iceland’s most senior former bankers have been jailed for making reckless business loans, following investigations stemming from the collapse of the country’s banks in 2008.

Larus Welding, the former chief executive officer of failed Icelandic bank Glitnir, and Gudmundur Hjaltason, a former director at the bank, have each been sentenced to nine months in jail for fraud, a court ruled.

They were sentenced by the Reykjavik District Court after the two men were indicted a year ago on charges that they had “misused their position and grossly endangered the bank’s funds” by lending €102m to a company called Milestone ehf without guarantees or collateral, the prosecutor said. At the time Milestone was a shareholder in the bank.

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Father Piero Corsi of Liguria sparked outrage after members of his congregation posted his Christmas bulletin onto Facebook. The flyer, entitled “Women and femicide – healthy self-criticism. How often do they provoke?” said victims of domestic and sexual violence should question if they were themselves to blame for the incident.

The flyer said women “provoke the worst instincts” and “should search their consciences and ask: did we bring this on ourselves?”

“The fact is that women are increasingly provocative, they become arrogant, they believe themselves to be self-sufficient and end up exacerbating the situation,” Corsi added. “Children are abandoned to their own devices, homes are dirty, meals are cold or fast food, clothes are filthy.”

He later added fuel to the fire by suggesting an Italian reporter must be gay if he wasn’t enticed by a picture of a nude woman.

Following the uproar in Italy, Corsi said he plans “to take a period of rest.”