For the past eight years, it has been my distinct pleasure to serve as head of the Roman Catholic Church. Spreading the message of the Bible around the world and sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ is an experience I wouldn’t trade for anything. Honestly, I had a ball. But at some point, you just have to face the facts and realize that you can’t play make-believe forever.
When I sit down and actually think about the things I did all the time as pope, it’s kind of embarrassing. I made people tell me all the details of the things they’ve done wrong. I moved my arms through the air and claimed that people had been blessed because of it. And get this—a couple weeks ago, I literally dipped my fingers in ashes and smeared it on people’s foreheads and told them they would live forever. How messed up is that? That’s just not what a mature, functional adult does.