At a highly anticipated press event at its Silicon Valley headquarters Tuesday afternoon, tech giant Apple officially unveiled to the public a panicked and completely idea-free man.
The white, ultrathin man, who exhibited such features as artificial excitement, a fully quavering voice, and what appeared to be a near total lack of inspiration, was put on full display for thousands of shareholders, industry insiders, reporters, and fans today in what Apple hopes will be a game-changer for the multinational corporation.
“This is the future of Apple,” announced the lightweight, 75-inch desperate man while being presented on stage. “We are indeed staking our company’s reputation on what you see here on this stage. And as always with Apple, you are getting a glimpse of the entire tech industry’s future today.”