A Jewish woman entered a hotel. There was a sign that read “Pets welcome, Jews not welcome.”

Undaunted by this, the Jewish lady Mrs. Rosenburg, asked the hotel owner for a room please.

The innkeeper said, “Sorry we have no vancancies.” Mrs. Rosenburg replied, “The sign says VACANCIES right there!”

The innkeeper said, “Mrs. Rosenburg, you know we don’t allow Jews here.”

Mrs. Rosenburg repiled, “I’m not jewish, I’m a bona-fide christian”.

The innkeeper said, “With a name like Rosenburg. Really? Well, for one, who is your savior?”

Mrs. Rosenburg replied calmly, “Why, Lord Jesus Christ of course”

The innkeeper, frowning said, “Oh really. Then tell me how JESUS was born?”

Mrs. Rosenburg replied with all decorum, “He was born of the virgin Mary”

The innkeeper said showing greater impatience, “And where was he born?”

Mrs Rosenburg, showing a small facial tick replied “In a small town of Bethehem in a manger.”

The innkeeper said, “That’s right…….and why was he born in a manger?”

Mrs Rosenburg slammed her fists on the counter and shouted, “BECAUSE SOME JUMPED UP GOYISHCHE SHMUCK OF AN INNKEEPER REFUSED TO GIVE A JEWISH LADY A ROOM”

What? To early?

A snail goes to a local Nissan dealership and looks at the inventory. A salesman walks up to him and asks “May I help you?”

The snail looks at him and says, “I’m here to buy a car. I’d like to test drive…. that one,” as he points to a brand new Z.

The salesman looks a little surprised. “Oooh-kay.” He walks inside, comes back outside and returns to the snail. He hands him the keys. “Here you go.”

“Thanks!” The snail gets into the car and turns the key. The engine purrs. The snail presses the accelerator and the roars. He drops it into gear and races out of the parking lot.Ten minutes later, the car whips back into the lot. The snail gets out with a huge grin. “That was great! I’ll take it! But there’s just one thing…”

The salesman shifts a little. “Yes, sir…?”

The snail turns to look at the car and turns back to the salesman: “I want you to take off the “Z”.”

“But, sir… that’s… that’s….”

“That’s my condition. I’ll pay for it right now and drive the car off the lot, but the “Z” has to go. I want you to put an “S” on it, instead.”

The salesman looks a little uneasy. “Let me… see what I can do.” He heads inside of the dealership. He returns a few minutes later. “Okay, it looks like we can take care of that for you. It will take about twenty minutes.”

The snail smiles widely and says,”That’s no problem.” The two go inside as a mechanic exits the building and drives the car into the auto shop. They fill out the paperwork and shortly afterwards, the snail and his new car are tearing out of the parking lot.

Another salesman comes over to the first one and asks,”So… what was that all about? The deal with taking the car into the shop and whatnot?”

“Oh, he wanted the “Z” removed from the car… and an “S” put on in its place.”

“Huh?! That’s weird.”

“Yeah, but look at that little S-car go!”

A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his arse. Doctors described his condition as stable.

[Quote]:

"I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again."

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% beginning January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth.”

Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. “Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins,” complains Amir. “And you can be sure they’ll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?”

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, “We sympathise with our workers’ concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.” He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. “How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can’t compete with the private sector?” asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management’s last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying “I’ll be buggered if I’m agreeing to anything like that. It’s too much of a mouthful to swallow”.

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

You must be surprised that I’m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I’m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbours. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks?

What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you’ve taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn’t fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can’t even walk into his house.

Please don’t let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I’ll fuck you up. I’ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you’ll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn’t get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you’ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A- BITCH.

Sincerely, Little Johnny

The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.

A mathematician walks into a bar and asks for ten times the normal number of drinks anyone else has. “Wow,” says the barkeep, “That’s an order of magnitude.”

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says “You’re all idiots”, and pours two beers.

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in a psychological test. They sat on one side of a room and waited not knowing what to expect. A door opened on the other side and a naked woman came in the room and stood on the far side. They were then instructed that every time they heard a beep they could move half the remaining distance to the woman. They heard a beep and the engineer jumped up and moved halfway across the room while the mathematician continued to sit, looking disgusted and bored. When the mathematician didn’t move after the second beep he was asked why. “Because I know I will never reach the woman.” The engineer was asked why he chose to move and replied, “Because I know that very soon I will be close enough for all practical purposes!”

A physicist a mathematician and an engineer are standing in a field – each are given equal amounts of fencing and are told to fence in as many sheep as possible. The engineer buildings a strong stable square of a sheep pen; the physicist builds a circular pen declaring his design can hold the most sheep. The mathematician builds another circular fence – sits inside his creation and says “I declare I am outside.”

a biologist, engineer and mathematician were having coffee on the patio across the street they watch as two people walk into a house. a few minutes later, three people leave the house. they start to discuss how that could happen
biologist: the two people copulated, reproduced and three people leave the house
engineer: that’s wrong, our initial observation must have been erroneous.
mathematician: you’re both wrong. if another person enters the house it will be empty again

Einstein, Pascal, and Newton are playing hide and go seek. Einstein is counting while Newton and Pascal hide. Pascal runs off and hides while Newton doesn’t move an inch. Instead, he draws a square around himself in the dirt. After Einstein finishes counting, he opens his eyes and says, “Found you Newton! That was easy.”
Newton says, “No you didn’t. You found Pascal.” He points down to the square in the dirt. “One Newton per meter squared.”

Q.How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A.One, he gives it to 6 Californians thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.

A new supermarket has opened near me. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and sausages.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Stienlarger beer.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cakes.

I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.

[Quote:]

why can’t they just share the hedge?

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under water.

There!! See? It really does work! You’re smiling already!!

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu – ignore it. It’s just spam.

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, “I don’t understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?” The professor replied, “I don’t have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I’ll be glad to explain it to you.” The student agreed.

That weekend the student showed up at the professor’s house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool. They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket.

Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, “First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can.” The student did as he was instructed. The professor then continued, “Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it.” The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.

The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool. The confused student asked, “Excuse me, but why are we doing this?” The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.

The student didn’t think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough however, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student started to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad.

The student finally replied, “All we’re doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you’ll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!”

The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, “Congratulations! You now understand the stimulus bill.”

An Israeli doctor says “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor says “That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says “In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says “You guys are way behind, we took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the WORLD is looking for work.”

Although the new movie “Milk,” about San Francisco’s Harvey Milk, is a very recent release, a pirated DVD of it is already available in China.

It’s called “Melamine.”

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
“Hey, don’t you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn’t you see the giant warning on the box?!”
“That’s OK” says the guy, puffing casually “I’m a computer programmer”
“So? What’s that got to do with anything?”
“We don’t care about warnings. We only care about errors.”

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’s been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard: “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.” The Marine looks at the man: “Sir, Mr. Bush no longer is president, and no longer resides here.” The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.

The following day, the same man approaches the White House, says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.” The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and, again, just walks away.

The third day, the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U. S. Marine saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.” The Marine, somewhat irritated at this point, looks hard at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve already told you that Mr. Bush is no longer President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looks at the Marine: “Oh, I understand, all right. I just love hearing you say it.”

The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, sir.”

[Quote:]

An ancestor of Monty Python’s famous Dead Parrot comedy sketch has been found in a joke book dating back to Greece in the 4th Century.

Philogelos: The Laugh Addict, which has been translated from Greek manuscripts, contains a joke where a man complains that a slave he was sold had died.

“When he was with me, he never did any such thing!” is the reply.

In the Python sketch, written 1,600 years later, the shopkeeper claims the dead parrot is “pining for the fjords”.

The 265 jokes in Philogelos are attributed to a pair of jokers called Hierocles and Philagrius, about whom very little is known.

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $5 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $5 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at $10. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $15 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50. However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

In the man’s absence, the assistant told the villagers “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $45 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never again saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

And THAT ladies and gentleman is how the stock market works…

[Quote:]

A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: ‘What’s the hold-up?’ The policeman replies: ‘The Prime Minister is so depressed he’s stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. ‘He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we’re taking up a collection for him.’ The lobbyist asks: ‘How much have you got so far?’ The officer replies: ‘About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.’

[..]

Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander Bank.
A Government spokesman said: ‘No one expected the Spanish acquisition.’

[..]

A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch.
It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.

[Quote:]

Bush of course is getting it in the solar plexus. ”You think he even understands what’s going on?” Leno asked. ”Like, today, they asked about the credit crunch, he said it was his favorite candy bar.” And when the rescue bill went up to 450 pages, he joked that ”President Bush’s copy is even thicker, because they had to add pictures.”

And what are your investment goals?

[Quote:]

Q: How many commodities traders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they don’t change bulbs; but the trading price of darkness plummets due to oversupply

[..]

What’s the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons? The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW’s.

[..]

Three investment bankers are sitting outside a coffee shop, sipping glumly on their cappucinos. The first one says “It’s terrible, I have lost five million on my accounts this morning, there is no way to recover my losses. When I get back inside I’m going to go past my office, up to the fifth floor, open a window and jump out” The second one says “You think that’s bad; I’ve lost nine million on my accounts in the last hour, I have nothing left. I’m going to ride the lift all the way up to the ninth, open a window and jump out” The third one says “I’m glad our building only has fourteen floors.”

[..]

For Geography students Only: What’s the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty…

[..]

Quote of the day (from a trader): “This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”

Following the problems in the financial markets around the US and Europe, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.