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496 years ago today: “Disputatio pro Declaratione Virtutis Indulgentiarum.”

Posted on November 1st, 2013 at 17:21 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

Amore et studio elucidande veritatis hec subscripta disputabuntur Wittenberge, Presidente R. P. Martino Lutther, Artium et S. Theologie Magistro eiusdemque ibidem lectore Ordinario. Quare petit, ut qui non possunt verbis presentes nobiscum disceptare agant id literis absentes. In nomine domini nostri Hiesu Christi. Amen.

1. Dominus et magister noster Iesus Christus dicendo `Penitentiam agite &c.’ omnem vitam fidelium penitentiam esse voluit.

2. Quod verbum de penitentia sacramentali (id est confessionis et satisfactionis, que sacerdotum ministerio celebratur) non potest intelligi.

3. Non tamen solam intendit interiorem, immo interior nulla est, nisi foris operetur varias carnis mortificationes.

4. Manet itaque pena, donec manet odium sui (id est penitentia vera intus), scilicet usque ad introitum regni celorum.

5. Papa non vult nec potest ullas penas remittere preter eas, quas arbitrio vel suo vel canonum imposuit.

6. Papa non potest remittere ullam culpam nisi declarando, et approbando remissam a deo Aut certe remittendo casus reservatos sibi, quibus contemptis culpa prorsus remaneret.

7. Nulli prorus remittit deus culpam, quin simul eum subiiciat humiliatum in omnibus sacerdoti suo vicario.

8. Canones penitentiales solum viventibus sunt impositi nihilque morituris secundum eosdem debet imponi.

9. Inde bene nobis facit spiritus sanctus in papa excipiendo in suis decretis semper articulum mortis et necessitatis.

10. Indocte et male faciunt sacerdotes ii, qui morituris penitentias canonicas in purgatorium reservant.

11. Zizania illa de mutanda pena Canonica in penam purgatorii videntur certe dormientibus episcopis seminata.

12. Olim pene canonice non post, sed ante absolutionem imponebantur tanquam tentamenta vere contritionis.

13. Morituri per mortem omnia solvunt et legibus canonum mortui iam sunt, habentes iure earum relaxationem.

14. Imperfecta sanitas seu charitas morituri necessario secum fert magnum timorem, tantoque maiorem, quanto minor fuerit ipsa.

15. Hic timor et horror satis est se solo (ut alia taceam) facere penam purgatorii, cum sit proximus desperationis horrori.

16. Videntur infernus, purgaturium, celum differre, sicut desperatio, prope desperatio, securitas differunt.

17. Necessarium videtur animabus in purgatorio sicut minni horrorem ita augeri charitatem.

18. Nec probatum videtur ullis aut rationibus aut scripturis, quod sint extra statum meriti seu augende charitatis.

19. Nec hoc probatum esse videtur, quod sint de sua beatitudine certe et secure, saltem omnes, licet nos certissimi simus.

20. Igitur papa per remissionem plenariam omnium penarum non simpliciter omnium intelligit, sed a seipso tantummodo impositarum.

21. Errant itaque indulgentiarum predicatores ii, qui dicunt per pape indulgentias hominem ab omni pena solvi et salvari.

22. Quin nullam remittit animabus in purgatorio, quam in hac vita debuissent secundum Canones solvere.

23. Si remissio ulla omnium omnino penarum potest alicui dari, certum est eam non nisi perfectissimis, i.e. paucissimis, dari.

24. Falli ob id necesse est maiorem partem populi per indifferentem illam et magnificam pene solute promissionem.

25. Qualem potestatem habet papa in purgatorium generaliter, talem habet quilibet Episcopus et Curatus in sua diocesi et parochia specialiter.

1. [26] Optime facit papa, quod non potestate clavis (quam nullam habet) sed per modum suffragii dat animabus remissionem.

2. [27] Hominem predicant, qui statim ut iactus nummus in cistam tinnierit evolare dicunt animam.

3. [28] Certum est, nummo in cistam tinniente augeri questum et avariciam posse: suffragium autem ecclesie est in arbitrio dei solius.

4. [29] Quis scit, si omnes anime in purgatorio velint redimi, sicut de s. Severino et Paschali factum narratur.

5. [30] Nullus securus est de veritate sue contritionis, multominus de consecutione plenarie remissionis.

6. [31] Quam rarus est vere penitens, tam rarus est vere indulgentias redimens, i. e. rarissimus.

7. [32] Damnabuntur ineternum cum suis magistris, qui per literas veniarum securos sese credunt de sua salute.

8. [33] Cavendi sunt nimis, qui dicunt venias illas Pape donum esse illud dei inestimabile, quo reconciliatur homo deo.

9. [34] Gratie enim ille veniales tantum respiciunt penas satisfactionis sacramentalis ab homine constitutas.

10. [35] Non christiana predicant, qui docent, quod redempturis animas vel confessionalia non sit necessaria contritio.

11. [36] Quilibet christianus vere compunctus habet remissionem plenariam a pena et culpa etiam sine literis veniarum sibi debitam.

12. [37] Quilibet versus christianus, sive vivus sive mortuus, habet participationem omnium bonorum Christi et Ecclesie etiam sine literis veniarum a deo sibi datam.

13. [38] Remissio tamen et participatio Pape nullo modo est contemnenda, quia (ut dixi) est declaratio remissionis divine.

14. [39] Difficillimum est etiam doctissimis Theologis simul extollere veniarum largitatem et contritionis veritatem coram populo.

15. [40] Contritionis veritas penas querit et amat, Veniarum autem largitas relaxat et odisse facit, saltem occasione.

16. [41] Caute sunt venie apostolice predicande, ne populus false intelligat eas preferri ceteris bonis operibus charitatis.

17. [42] Docendi sunt christiani, quod Pape mens non est, redemptionem veniarum ulla ex parte comparandam esse operibus misericordie.

18. [43] Docendi sunt christiani, quod dans pauperi aut mutuans egenti melius facit quam si venias redimereet.

19. [44] Quia per opus charitatis crescit charitas et fit homo melior, sed per venias non fit melior sed tantummodo a pena liberior.

20. [45] Docendi sunt christiani, quod, qui videt egenum et neglecto eo dat pro veniis, non idulgentias Pape sed indignationem dei sibi vendicat.

21. [46] Docendi sunt christiani, quod nisi superfluis abundent necessaria tenentur domui sue retinere et nequaquam propter venias effundere.

22. [47] Docendi sunt christiani, quod redemptio veniarum est libera, non precepta.

23. [48] Docendi sunt christiani, quod Papa sicut magis eget ita magis optat in veniis dandis pro se devotam orationem quam promptam pecuniam.

24. [49] Docendi sunt christiani, quod venie Pape sunt utiles, si non in cas confidant, Sed nocentissime, si timorem dei per eas amittant.

25. [50] Docendi sunt christiani, quod si Papa nosset exactiones venialium predicatorum, mallet Basilicam s. Petri in cineres ire quam edificari cute, carne et ossibus ovium suarum.

1. [51] Docendi sunt christiani, quod Papa sicut debet ita vellet, etiam vendita (si opus sit) Basilicam s. Petri, de suis pecuniis dare illis, a quorum plurimis quidam concionatores veniarum pecuniam eliciunt.

2. [52] Vana est fiducia salutis per literas veniarum, etiam si Commissarius, immo Papa ipse suam animam pro illis impigneraret.

3. [53] Hostes Christi et Pape sunt ii, qui propter venias predicandas verbum dei in aliis ecclesiis penitus silere iubent.

4. [54] Iniuria fit verbo dei, dum in eodem sermone equale vel longius tempus impenditur veniis quam illi.

5. [55] Mens Pape necessario est, quod, si venie (quod minimum est) una campana, unis pompis et ceremoniis celebrantur, Euangelium (quod maximum est) centum campanis, centum pompis, centum ceremoniis predicetur.

6. [56] Thesauri ecclesie, unde Pape dat indulgentias, neque satis nominati sunt neque cogniti apud populum Christi.

7. [57] Temporales certe non esse patet, quod non tam facile eos profundunt, sed tantummodo colligunt multi concionatorum.

8. [58] Nec sunt merita Christi et sanctorum, quia hec semper sine Papa operantur gratiam hominis interioris et crucem, mortem infernumque exterioris.

9. [59] Thesauros ecclesie s. Laurentius dixit esse pauperes ecclesie, sed locutus est usu vocabuli suo tempore.

10. [60] Sine temeritate dicimus claves ecclesie (merito Christi donatas) esse thesaurum istum.

11. [61] Clarum est enim, quod ad remissionem penarum et casuum sola sufficit potestas Pape.

12. [62] Verus thesaurus ecclesie est sacrosanctum euangelium glorie et gratie dei.

13. [63] Hic autem est merito odiosissimus, quia ex primis facit novissimos.

14. [64] Thesaurus autem indulgentiarum merito est gratissimus, quia ex novissimis facit primos.

15. [65] Igitur thesauri Euangelici rhetia sunt, quibus olim piscabantur viros divitiarum.

16. [66] Thesauri indulgentiarum rhetia sunt, quibus nunc piscantur divitias virorum.

17. [67] Indulgentie, quas concionatores vociferantur maximas gratias, intelliguntur vere tales quoad questum promovendum.

18. [68] Sunt tamen re vera minime ad gratiam dei et crucis pietatem comparate.

19. [69] Tenentur Episcopi et Curati veniarum apostolicarum Commissarios cum omni reverentia admittere.

20. [70] Sed magis tenentur omnibus oculis intendere, omnibus auribus advertere, ne pro commissione Pape sua illi somnia predicent.

21. [71] Contra veniarum apostolicarum veritatem qui loquitur, sit ille anathema et maledictus.

22. [72] Qui vero, contra libidinem ac licentiam verborum Concionatoris veniarum curam agit, sit ille benedictus.

23. [73] Sicut Papa iuste fulminat eos, qui in fraudem negocii veniarum quacunque arte machinantur,

24. [74] Multomagnis fulminare intendit eos, qui per veniarum pretextum in fraudem sancte charitatis et veritatis machinantur,

25. [75] Opinari venias papales tantas esse, ut solvere possint hominem, etiam si quis per impossibile dei genitricem violasset, Est insanire.

1. [76] Dicimus contra, quod venie papales nec minimum venialium peccatorum tollere possint quo ad culpam.

2. [77] Quod dicitur, nec si s. Petrus modo Papa esset maiores gratias donare posset, est blasphemia in sanctum Petrum et Papam.

3. [78] Dicimus contra, quod etiam iste et quilibet papa maiores habet, scilicet Euangelium, virtutes, gratias, curationum &c. ut 1. Co. XII.

4. [79] Dicere, Crucem armis papalibus insigniter erectam cruci Christi equivalere, blasphemia est.

5. [80] Rationem reddent Episcopi, Curati et Theologi, Qui tales sermones in populum licere sinunt.

6. [81] Facit hec licentiosa veniarum predicatio, ut nec reverentiam Pape facile sit etiam doctis viris redimere a calumniis aut certe argutis questionibus laicorm.

7. [82] Scilicet. Cur Papa non evacuat purgatorium propter sanctissimam charitatem et summam animarum necessitatem ut causam omnium iustissimam, Si infinitas animas redimit propter pecuniam funestissimam ad structuram Basilice ut causam levissimam?

8. [83] Item. Cur permanent exequie et anniversaria defunctorum et non reddit aut recipi permittit beneficia pro illis instituta, cum iam sit iniuria pro redemptis orare?

9. [84] Item. Que illa nova pietas Dei et Pape, quod impio et inimico propter pecuniam concedunt animam piam et amicam dei redimere, Et tamen propter necessitatem ipsius met pie et dilecte anime non redimunt eam gratuita charitate?

10. [85] Item. Cur Canones penitentiales re ipsa et non usu iam diu in semet abrogati et mortui adhuc tamen pecuniis redimuntur per concessionem indulgentiarum tanquam vivacissimi?

11. [86] Item. Cur Papa, cuius opes hodie sunt opulentissimis Crassis crassiores, non de suis pecuniis magis quam pauperum fidelium struit unam tantummodo Basilicam sancti Petri?

12. [87] Item. Quid remittit aut participat Papa iis, qui per contritionem perfectam ius habent plenarie remissionis et participationis?

13. [88] Item. Quid adderetur ecclesie boni maioris, Si Papa, sicut semel facit, ita centies in die cuilibet fidelium has remissiones et participationes tribueret?

14. [89] Ex quo Papa salutem querit animarum per venias magis quam pecunias, Cur suspendit literas et venias iam olim concessas, cum sint eque efficaces?

15. [90] Hec scrupulosissima laicorum argumenta sola potestate compescere nec reddita ratione diluere, Est ecclesiam et Papam hostibus ridendos exponere et infelices christianos facere.

16. [91] Si ergo venie secundum spiritum et mentem Pape predicarentur, facile illa omnia solverentur, immo non essent.

17. [92] Valeant itaque omnes illi prophete, qui dicunt populo Christi `Pax pax,’ et non est pax.

18. [93] Bene agant omnes illi prophete, qui dicunt populo Christi `Crux crux,’ et non est crux.

19. [94] Exhortandi sunt Christiani, ut caput suum Christum per penas, mortes infernosque sequi studeant,

20. [95] Ac sic magis per multas tribulationes intrare celum quam per securitatem pacis confidant.

M.D.Xvii.


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‘Moderate’ Muslims at Norway ‘peace conference’ endorse stoning for gays and adulterers

Posted on November 1st, 2013 at 0:42 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

AFTER overwhelmingly agreeing by a show of hands that they were “normal” Sunni Muslims and not radicals or extremists, delegates to a “peace conference” in Norway earlier this year indicated their full support for the death penalty for adulterers and gays.


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Comments:

  1. And don’t forget cartoonists.

  2. Now, now, guys… I’m sure those stones would be nicely rounded and not spiky at all…

    Can’t anyone see they’re meeting us halfway?

    [Faceslap]

  3. Actually some of the criticism is unfair. I really believe they’re just a spinoff from the old testament.

Catholics incensed as German bishop of Limburg builds palace fit for a pope

Posted on October 11th, 2013 at 10:54 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

Senior figures within the Roman Catholic church have called for the resignation of Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst, the bishop of Limburg, after it emerged that the cost of a building project on his property in the town has ballooned to 10 times the original estimate.

The new building, described by some newspapers as “palatial”, is expected to cost €31m (£26m) and features a standalone bath worth €15,000.

To add to Tebartz-van Elst’s woes, he is now facing legal procedures for allegedly lying under oath during a legal row with a news magazine.

In 2012, Der Spiegel published an article claiming the clergyman had taken a first-class flight to India, en route to visiting poor children in the slums of Bangalore. Tebartz-van Elst had issued two affidavits denying the claims made by the magazine. On Thursday, Hamburg prosecutors asked a court to fine the bishop for providing false testimony.

The chairman of the German episcopal conference, Robert Zollitsch, announced he would discuss the high cost of the building project with Pope Francis next week.

“I am as surprised by these figures as you,” he said at a press conference. “I am mystified by these figures and will say so to the holy father.”


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Onion Beats AP By Months On Vatican Damage Control Of Pope Francis

Posted on October 10th, 2013 at 14:57 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

Always a leader in religion news, The Onion was way ahead of everyone when it comes to the latest Pope Francis story.

The satirical news website published the headline “Vatican Quickly Performs Damage Control On Pope’s Tolerant Remarks” on July 29th, 2013.

Today an Associated Press story, “Pope Francis’ Controversial Remarks Prompt Vatican ‘Damage Control’,” was published, and it’s strikingly similar to the original Onion piece.

Coincidence, or foresight?


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Divorced parents also to blame for pedophilia, Polish Archbishop Jozef Michalik says

Posted on October 9th, 2013 at 10:51 by John Sinteur in category: batshitinsane, Foyer of Ennui (just short of the Hall of Shame), Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

THE top cleric in Poland’s Roman Catholic church has said parents share the blame for certain cases of paedophilia, including those involving Catholic priests.

The comment comes amid mounting allegations of pedophilia involving priests in Poland, one of Europe’s most heavily Catholic countries where loyalty to the church is beginning to wane.

“Many of these cases of (sexual) molestation could be avoided given a healthy relationship between parents,” Archbishop Jozef Michalik, head of Poland’s Episcopate told the Polish PAP news agency in Warsaw.

“We often hear that this inappropriate attitude (pedophilia), or abuse, manifests itself when a child is looking for love,” Archbishop Michalik said.


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  1. This fellow needs to be horse-whipped!

  2. I’d horse-whip him, if I had a horse. But I don’t, so I would settle for castration in his case.

  3. No, the people that continue to contribute to the criminal organization should be…..(fill in your own answer).

The Pope: how the Church will change

Posted on October 3rd, 2013 at 20:03 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

“Convert you? Proselytism is solemn nonsense. You have to meet people and listen to them.”


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  1. “Oh, let’s discuss the role of women in the Church at our next meeting.”

    Married lesbian priestesses any day now!

Philly Priest Sexually Abused Altar Boy for Years

Posted on September 27th, 2013 at 11:59 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

A Philadelphia priest, previously accused of sexually abusing 20 boys, is now criminally charged with allegedly sexually assaulting an altar boy over a three-year period.

Philadelphia District Attorney Seth Williams announced the arrest Thursday morning of Rev. Robert L. Brennan.

“A serial predator is now behind bars thanks to brave actions of this young man,” Williams said.

[..]

“The case of (Brennan) is another example of how the Monsignor William Lynn shielded predator priests from exposure and prosecution, which led to the victimization of countless Philadelphia children,” Williams said.

Brennan’s duties within the church were severely restricted after a 2005 grand jury report on sexual abuse in the Philadelphia church found that during Cardinal Anthony Bevilacqua’s tenure that Brennan had sexually or inappropriately touched more than 20 boys; many from the schools or parishes where Brennan worked.

“Because of William Lynn and others in the archdiocese, Brennan, until today, escaped prosecution for his decades long sexual abuse of boys whom he encountered as a priest,” Williams said.

According to a grand jury report which revealed accusations of sexual wrongdoing against dozens of priests, the archdiocese reassigned Brennan from parish to parish without warning his supervisors, even after sending him for psychiatric treatment or counseling four times.

So, let’s see how serious the new Pope is, and how fast he throws this guy out of the clergy.


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Vatican says Jesus Christ ‘used tweets before everyone else’

Posted on September 26th, 2013 at 22:00 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

Jesus Christ was the world’s first tweeter because his pronouncements were “brief and full of meaning”, Vatican cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi said Wednesday.

You think twitter posts are “full of meaning”? #sillyoldgit


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Hell Now A Thriving Epicenter Of Gay Culture

Posted on September 24th, 2013 at 13:02 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

Noting the incredible rate at which the community has grown, sources confirmed Thursday that Hell, the Endless Kingdom of Misery, is now a booming haven of gay culture.

The Great Abyss, home of the damned, is reportedly inhabited by some 600 million condemned homosexual or transgender souls, a large proportion of its total population, and has by many accounts blossomed into an oasis of gay activism and community events.

“I’ve only been here for a few months, but I’ve already fallen in love with it,” said 49-year-old Daniel Edelson, adding that he has already befriended hundreds of fellow gay men and women in the accursed underworld, all of whom have welcomed him with open arms. “The streets of fire and brimstone are full of so many great cafés, restaurants, bakeries, independent bookstores, and of course plenty of gay bars and clubs. There’s just so much to do.”

“My favorite place is this wonderful little promenade along the River Styx, where couples always take walks together on the weekends,” continued Edelson. “I’d say this is easily the most LGBT-friendly place I’ve ever lived.”

[..]

In stark contrast to Hell’s ongoing embrace of persecuted groups, sources confirmed that Heaven remains the most bigoted and intolerant place in the universe.


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World about to end!

Posted on September 20th, 2013 at 16:13 by Sueyourdeveloper in category: No shit, sherlock, Pastafarian News

Quote

Pope Francis has said the Catholic Church is too focused on preaching about abortion, gay people and contraception and needs to become more merciful…

He said the Church had become tied up in “small-minded rules” and risked losing its true purpose.

He sounds like that most dangerous radical – a follower of Christ.  And I see from this report that it’s time for the Second Coming*!

* to be fair, more than 700 American babies were given that name last year.

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Comments:

  1. As I said in a previous post, let me know when he is fine with two lesbian priests marrying.

  2. @John: Think of it this way: Francis is making much of thr church hierarchy pee in their pants. I like it.

  3. I think it’s a mistake to believe anything this guy says. It’s too similar to Obama.

  4. Yes, he is making church hierarchy livid. I hope he hired a good food taster.

  5. *cough*

  6. No surprise there.

  7. There’s that old joke: if men got pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.

  8. I think his food is good, I don’t think they would be so bold as to do it a second time

Vatican: Celibacy in Catholic Church open for discussion

Posted on September 15th, 2013 at 17:41 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

The Vatican’s new secretary of state said this week that clerical celibacy is open to discussion, signaling a shift in approach for the Roman Catholic Church under Pope Francis.

“Celibacy is not an institution but look, it is also true that you can discuss (it) because as you say this is not a dogma, a dogma of the church,” Archbishop Pietro Parolin said in an interview with Venezuelan newspaper El Universal. “The efforts that the church made to keep ecclesiastical celibacy, to impose ecclesiastical celibacy, have to be taken into consideration. One cannot say simply that this belongs in the past.”

Fine. You go discuss it, and let me know when two female priests can get married.


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Victory to the People

Posted on September 14th, 2013 at 13:16 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

Constantine and Licinius got into a war against each other. We had the Battle of Adrianople. The Battle of Hellespont. Finally the Battle of Chrysopolis, and Constantine was sole Emperor. So, since Christ had delivered victory, Constantine said, “Okay, I’m a Christian now! By the way, what do you guys believe, anyway?”

To which the answer was, “Depends on who you ask. In which town. On what day.”

Constantine was a Roman emperor, and a military man. So he said, “Right. Figure it out and tell me. I’ll believe anything you say, but get it all in one sock.” He called NiceaCon One, and invited all the BNFs and SMOFs of the Christian world to have a business meeting and hammer it out.

So, all the bishops of the world went to Nicea. Depending on who you ask, there were either “more than two hundred” (Eusebius of Caesarea), or 318 (Athanasius of Alexandria). Athanasius may have been counting non-voting members since he himself was there as the secretary of Bishop Alexander of Alexandria.

Reportedly only five bishops from the Latin west attended, not including the Bishop of Rome (Pope Sylvester I — but he did send two priests as legates).

The big question was the Creed, or What Do We Believe, Anyway? (Other questions included “What Do We Do With the Christians Who Supported Licinius?”, “What Do We Do With Christians Who, Faced With Persecution, Said, ‘Sacrifice To Zeus? Hoo Boy Yeah! Me an’ Zeus, We’re Tight!’”, and “Can Guys Who Have Been Castrated Be Deacons?” But I’m going to skip all of those to get to the main event.)

In coming up with a creed, the biggest question was “What is the Nature of Christ?” One side, led by the pious and scholarly Arius, held that Jesus was the first and greatest of God’s creations (that is, essentially, Top Angel). The other side, championed by Athanasius, held that Jesus was actually Totally God Since Forever. Both sides had copies of old fanzines to support their position.

(When Constantine heard this he said, “Can’t you guys just get along? Why not agree to disagree like every other friggin’ philosopher since Plato was a pup, and get on with your lives?” to which both sides answered “No!!!!eleventy!!!” and thus Nicea.)


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  1. I was raised a Methodist, whose ministers are either atheists or agnostics… :-) To us “radical” Protestants, Catholics are in denial. We agree that God may (or may not) exist, but just in case He/She does, let’s all treat each other with respect!

  2. Someone has to say this, “Splitters!”

Pastor Brent Girouex had sex with teens to ‘cure’ their homosexuality

Posted on September 9th, 2013 at 17:16 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

A former youth pastor in Council Bluffs, Iowa claims he had sex with teenage boys because it was his duty “to help [them] with homosexual urges by praying while he had sexual contact with [them].”

“Oh, God…oh, God…ohhhhh GAAAAAAWWWD!”


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Comments:

  1. BREAKING NEWS: Man giving in to his urges despite knowing better has a rationalization to justify his choice. SHOCKING! CRANK UP THE HEADLINES!

  2. It’s got hypocrisy, sex abuse, and irresistible urges in the story. I’d say it was a weiner….er winner.

    Sue’s tip of the week: If you want money go into banking; if you want access to vulnerable youth go into the ministry.

Bishop: No One in the World Handled Child Abuse Cases Better than Catholic Church

Posted on September 7th, 2013 at 0:09 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

“Certainly, we have had our unfortunate share of scandals and sin and the church is dealing with that. I would venture to say that of any institution in the country – perhaps in the world – I don’t think anyone is dealing with it as responsibly as the Catholic Church has.”

I think there’s a great Yiddish word for this: Chutzpah


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  1. I’d call it either clinical delusion or lying, but not chutzpah.

  2. Finest boll*cks, I’d say. That “no-one does it better” stuff is not actually saying anything, even if it were true. They had a culture of oppression, systematic and organized grooming and brainwashing of victims, inevitable abuse, continuing denial and cover-ups.

    It’s the institutional ground rules that cause the opportunity for abuse of all kinds of human beings by human beings.

Pope Francis ‘Phones Gay Catholic To Reassure Him About Sexuality’

Posted on September 6th, 2013 at 23:52 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

Trutino said he was left stunned when he then received a phone call from the head of the Catholic Church himself.

“Your homosexuality. It doesn’t matter”, the Pope reportedly told him, according to the local newspaper La Dépêche du Midi.

“It was he who started the conversation,” Trutino said, according to a translation on The Local.

“He said ‘Christopher? It’s Pope Francis’. I was unsettled, of course. I asked, ” Really? ” He replied : “Yes.”

“I received the letter that you sent me. You need to remain courageous and continue to believe and pray and stay good,” the Pope told him during the nine-minute conversation in Spanish.

“Your homosexuality. It doesn’t matter. One way or another , we are all children of God. This is why we must continue to be good,” the Pope told him.

Don’t be gullible and think this is cool. It is not.

This man believes homosexual sex is a sin. He says you are not a sinner for feeling the urge for it, but if your are doing it, you sin.

Which is exactly what the Catholic Church has been saying for decades. There is nothing new in this. He is a bit more likeable in conveying the message, since he takes great care to emphasis the nicer-sounding parts, but he does not change the dogma one bit.

A brilliant and likeable salesman for a shitty product is still a salesman for a shitty product.

And already the vatican denies the entire thing


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Comments:

  1. I don’t share your hardline take on this. The tone from the pope about homosexuality has shifted dramatically, and I think it could make a difference in how Catholic kids who realize they’re gay feel about it, and in how they’re treated by the Catholics around them. I think it could be a big deal if it takes hold.

    Baby steps. But as long as they’re in the right direction, I’ll take ‘em.

  2. Hey if people didn’t walk away when the church assaulted their children, they won’t now.

  3. @Desiato Baby steps? Towards what? Perpetuating this massive lie in order to give the church empire more gold and fodder? The only baby steps that are called for are steps that slowly morph into a headlong run away from this fraud.

  4. Look, you have to separate the outside view (i.e. “Run away!!!”) from the inside view. This is a guy who was elected by the rest of the Church leadership. I think we’re seeing a radical change in tone and direction for him being an insider who rose through the ranks. The fact that the guy even got elected surprises me.. I’d’ve expected another Benedict.

  5. @Desiato – I see your point.

  6. This is the first Pope I would actually consider accepting an invitation to meet from, I will give you that. But the entire institution does not deserve a second of rest until they catch up a few centuries with the rest of the world.

  7. @Desiato – are you talking about the pope or obama?

Same hat, different hater

Posted on September 3rd, 2013 at 15:39 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

The Vatican has released the first encyclical letter written by Pope Francis.

That’s big news for Catholics, who comprise the target audience for this sort of document, and who often put a great deal of stock in the pontiff’s opinions on how to live their faith. In atheist circles, the most likely reaction is a shrug, a raised eyebrow, and a big ‘so what?’ But with news about outreach to the ‘nones’ and dialogue with non-believers making headlines in the early days of Francis’ pontificate – and it is still early days, at least in relative terms – this document is instructive. It gives us a window into what the pope really thinks about the irreligious.


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Texas Megachurch At Center Of Measles Outbreak

Posted on September 2nd, 2013 at 17:34 by John Sinteur in category: batshitinsane, Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

“So I’m going to tell you what the facts are, and the facts are the facts, but then we know the truth. That always overcomes facts,” she has said.


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Comments:

  1. I think the biblical approach might work. The rest of us should shun these guys, and they would be forced to go about ringing a bell, crying “Unclean, unclean!” on pain of death.

How to suck at your religion

Posted on August 31st, 2013 at 14:38 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

The Oatmeal


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  1. Classic!

Young people think opposition to gay marriage is wicked, says archbishop

Posted on August 29th, 2013 at 19:41 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

The archbishop of Canterbury has said his stance against gay marriage could be seen as “wicked”. Justin Welby said he stood by his decision to vote against same-sex marriage legislation, but said that could be seen by some as akin to “racism and other forms of gross and atrocious injustice”.

Speaking at the opening on Wednesday of the Evangelical Alliance’s new premises in King’s Cross, London, he said society had evolving views about sexuality, and many younger people thought opposition to gay marriage was “plain wrong”.

[..]

Young people think opposition to gay marriage is wicked, says archbishop

Justin Welby says vast majority of under-35s equate his stance on same-sex marriage to racism and other forms of injustice

The archbishop of Canterbury has said his stance against gay marriage could be seen as “wicked”. Justin Welby said he stood by his decision to vote against same-sex marriage legislation, but said that could be seen by some as akin to “racism and other forms of gross and atrocious injustice”.

Speaking at the opening on Wednesday of the Evangelical Alliance’s new premises in King’s Cross, London, he said society had evolving views about sexuality, and many younger people thought opposition to gay marriage was “plain wrong”.

The Marriage (Same-Sex Couples) Act received royal assent in July and gay couples in England and Wales will be able to wed at some point next year. The legislation had a tortuous passage through parliament, with staunch opposition from many Conservative backbenchers and religious groups.

Welby said: “What I voted against was what seemed to me to be the rewriting the nature of marriage in a way that I have to say within the Christian tradition and within scripture and within our understanding is not the right way to deal with the very important issues that were attempted to be dealt with in that bill.

“The bill was clearly, quite rightly, trying to deal with issues of homophobia in our society. As I said at the time in the House of Lords, the church has not been good at dealing with homophobia – it has at times, as God’s people, either implicitly or explicitly supported it and we have to be really, really repentant about that because it is utterly and totally wrong.

So he knows he’s on the wrong side of justice on this, but will go on being wrong. I guess as long as his paycheck depends on it, he’s going to continue with the cognitive dissonance.


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  1. What a useless member (of the House of Lords, that is).

Easter Challenge

Posted on August 23rd, 2013 at 15:45 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

I HAVE AN EASTER challenge for Christians. My challenge is simply this: tell me what happened on Easter. I am not asking for proof. My straightforward request is merely that Christians tell me exactly what happened on the day that their most important doctrine was born.

Believers should eagerly take up this challenge, since without the resurrection, there is no Christianity. Paul wrote, “And if Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain, and your faith is also vain. Yea, and we are found false witnesses of God; because we have testified of God that he raised up Christ: whom he raised not up, if so be that the dead rise not.” (I Corinthians 15:14-15)

The conditions of the challenge are simple and reasonable. In each of the four Gospels, begin at Easter morning and read to the end of the book: Matthew 28, Mark 16, Luke 24, and John 20-21. Also read Acts 1:3-12 and Paul’s tiny version of the story in I Corinthians 15:3-8. These 165 verses can be read in a few moments. Then, without omitting a single detail from these separate accounts, write a simple, chronological narrative of the events between the resurrection and the ascension: what happened first, second, and so on; who said what, when; and where these things happened.

Since the gospels do not always give precise times of day, it is permissible to make educated guesses. The narrative does not have to pretend to present a perfect picture–it only needs to give at least one plausible account of all of the facts. Additional explanation of the narrative may be set apart in parentheses. The important condition to the challenge, however, is that not one single biblical detail be omitted. Fair enough?


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Comments:

  1. I think you’d sooner, ahem, be able to get a camel through the hole of a needle than accomplish that feat…

Lion Attacks an Intruder in Its Den at Taipei Zoo

Posted on August 23rd, 2013 at 13:57 by John Sinteur in category: No shit, sherlock, Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

A lion attacked a man who jumped into its zoo enclosure here Wednesday and shouted, “Jesus will save you!” at the animal, an eyewitness said.

Cable TV stations showed the lion ripping a jacket off the man as he stood in a grassy enclosure that held two of the animals. The second lion did not join in the attack.

Without panicking, the man fell back onto a stone ridge, and the lion then jumped at him, biting him in the arm. It also clawed at his trousers before retreating.

The man then calmly stood with his arms outstretched in front of the two animals.

The witness, Hsu Li-jen, told the station CTI that the man shouted: “Jesus will save you!”

Guards drove the lions away with water hoses, and police shot them with tranquilizer darts. The man, identified only by his surname, Chen, climbed out and was taken to a hospital.

A doctor said Chen, 46, had psychological problems.


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Comments:

  1. >>had psychological problems. True, he believed in fairy tales at 46.

  2. The guy lived, it’s a miracle! Future church services will be held in the lion’s den, or the adjoining snake den.

Anti-Gay Marriage Preacher Causes Controversy in Iceland

Posted on August 22nd, 2013 at 17:12 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

News from August 9:

[Quote]:

U.S. evangelist and missionary Franklin Graham will be the main speaker at the Festival of Hope in Reykjavík held next month. Graham’s arrival has been met with controversy as he has openly preached against same-sex marriages.

News a few days ago:

tumblr_mrps3651Ei1r7gbhio1_500

Note: the tickets were free.


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Evangelical pastor to stand trial in Massachusetts for alleged crimes against humanity

Posted on August 15th, 2013 at 11:11 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

A federal judge on Wednesday denied a motion to dismiss a crimes against humanity case brought against evangelical pastor Scott Lively of Massachusetts.

Lively is accused of violating international law by inciting the persecution of LGBT individuals in Uganda. The lawsuit was filed by the Center for Constitutional Rights (CCR) on behalf of Sexual Minorities of Uganda (SMUG) in 2012.

“We are gratified that the court recognized the persecution and the gravity of the danger faced by our clients as a result of Scott Lively’s actions,” CCR Attorney Pam Spees said. “Lively’s single-minded campaign has worked to criminalize their very existence, strip away their fundamental rights and threaten their physical safety.”

The lawsuit alleged that Lively aided the persecution of LGBT people in Uganda over the past decade and inspired notorious anti-LGBT legislation known as the “Kill the Gays” bill.

Lively attended an anti-gay conference entitled “Seminar on Exposing the Homosexual Agenda” in 2009 in which he accused gays and lesbians of having genocidal tendencies. His lecture lead to the introduction of the bill, the lawsuit claimed.

Ugandan organizers of the 2009 conference admitted they helped draft the bill and Lively himself admitted to meeting with lawmakers to discuss it.


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But mainly, He is completely inert

Posted on August 15th, 2013 at 8:59 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

HD8j6ID


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Comments:

  1. yes, mainly. but periodically He is right on top of things

  2. Atom’s a lightweight.

So whose church is it?

Posted on August 11th, 2013 at 12:26 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

op1sDZw


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Comments:

  1. I always wanted an aunt called Peter.

  2. Simple; loose the A and welcome people of all nationalities…

God’s tears

Posted on August 11th, 2013 at 12:16 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

WPTV-prayers-at-tree-dripping-bug-excrement_20130810153428_320_240

[Quote]:

As the mid-day sun beat down, a group of parishioners huddled under a tree looking for shade, but seeking a miracle.

Rosemarie Navarro, a parishioner at a Fresno, California Catholic Church says, “I said my prayer and asked the Lord to give me a miracle cause I’m really, really sick.”

Navarro counts herself among the believers, a small but growing group that thinks the liquid dripping from this Crape Myrtle tree is the tears of God.

[..]

On close inspection, arborist Jon Reelhorn agrees, something is falling from the tree in front of St. Johns Cathedral. But it isn’t water.

“The aphides will suck the sap, the sap goes through the aphid and then it is a honey dew excrement from the aphid and it gets so heavy in the summertime that it will drip down,” Reelhorn says.

So God’s Tears are bug shit. Sounds about right to me.


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Comments:

  1. Thats’ why it’s called the Crape myrtle.

  2. Is that the truly faithful under the tree waiting for their portion of shit?

  3. Aphid “dew” – sounds about right, and probably the principal ingredient in Mountain Dew… :-) Soda, what does that tell us? That the success of religion is just a really effective advertising campaign!

Fragments from the Ancient Gospels of “The Church of a Pretty Good God.”

Posted on August 6th, 2013 at 12:50 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

With one note from the trumpet, the wall collapsed. The people cried, “Who built this wall?” And the Lord said, “Why did you not heed my warning about that contractor?” Verily it was the worst Jazz Festival the city had ever seen.


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The Pope has finally lifted the ban on condoms, but further training is required.

Posted on August 6th, 2013 at 10:49 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

FSSNNiz


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Comments:

  1. God, please protect us from these dick-heads! :-)

  2. Errh Spaceman…judging from current events and history…these god (as well other god) anthropomorphisms, tend to be charter members of the dick-head society.

Pirates Form Church to Battle Copyright Law That Insults Their Beliefs

Posted on August 5th, 2013 at 23:03 by John Sinteur in category: Intellectual Property, Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

Last week Russia introduced its brand new anti-piracy law that will see sites blocked at the ISP level if they fail to respond swiftly to copyright complaints.

The law, which critics say is overbroad and likely to cause collateral damage, is opposed by big companies such as Google, local search engine Yandex, Internet resources such as Wikipedia and thousands of website operators and users.

But just as protests including last week’s blackout by 1,700 sites subside, a more unconventional front is opening up.

Later today pirate activists in five regions – Moscow, St. Petersburg, Nizhny Novgorod, Kazan and Khabarovsk – will submit documents to begin the process of having their church officially recognized by the authorities.

If that all goes to plan in a few years time Russia will have its own Church Kopimizma, but for the faithful there are important issues to be dealt with right now.

As soon as the papers are filed the church’s founders will file a lawsuit against the anti-piracy legislation that came into force August 1. They will do this on the basis that the law, which restricts copying and sharing, is an insult to Kopimists.

But according to lawyer Victor Naumov, separation of religion and state in Russia means that it’s unlikely that the complaint will achieve much, although an appeal could be made to the Constitutional Court of the Russian Federation.


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Kenyan Lawyer Tries to Overturn the Death Sentence of Jesus Christ

Posted on August 5th, 2013 at 17:15 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

[Quote]:

Kenyan lawyer Dola Indidis is on a mission: to get the International Court of Justice at the Hague to overturn the conviction and death sentence of Jesus Christ 2,000 years ago.

The logistics, however, are proving a challenge. The target of his lawsuit are the government and religious leaders of Jesus’ day, including the Roman Emperor Tiberius, the Roman King Herod, the Judean Governor Pontius Pilate, as well as the Jewish chief priest, elders and teachers of the law. According to some reports, he also plans to go after the current governments of Italy and Israel, arguing that they inherited laws from the Roman Empire.

“I filed the case because it’s my duty to uphold the dignity of Jesus and I have gone to the ICJ to seek justice for the man from Nazareth,” Indidis told the Nairobian. “His selective and malicious prosecution violated his human rights through judicial misconduct, abuse of office bias and prejudice.”

Apparently there’s no statute of limitations on stupidity.


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Comments:

  1. lol

    Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2_E-ghbdlo


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