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Deuteronomy 22:28-29

Posted on July 26th, 2014 at 8:46 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

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  1. Can no-one go back in time and eliminate that flea-bitten camel shagger, Abraham?

  2. Short answer no.

    If someone could (even in the future) he would already be gone.

    Also, he is probably not a real historical person, just a literary creation used to justify the take over of Canaan by the Israelites.

    He is the father of the Jews and the Arabs, so getting ride of him would eliminate a lot of people alive today.

    I am not aware if Deuteronomy 22:28-29 is ever implemented by Jews or Christians, but we know Muslims do this:


    seems a bit harsh, but what do I know, I am not any of the above.

  3. Clearly you know nothing about time travel either. What’s wrong with getting rid of a lot of people who would be unborn at the time? Every time you step on an insect you eliminate potential multitudes – not to mention Onan.

  4. Assuming that Time Travel ever becomes possible and widespread, I posit that the effect will be similar to Wikipedia – some areas will be hotly contested until a stronger authority steps in to maintain stability (“Time Cops”), but other areas will reach their own meta-stability because no one cares.

    Of course, the question is who will watch the watchmen.

    I read a delightful short story a while ago which was part of a collection based around individual elements (H, He, Li, Be, etc.). The Hydrogen story protagonist was a Timecop who had the rare ability to remember alternate realities, and was essentially a time terrorist because his bosses couldn’t remember what he’d changed.

  5. [Quote]:

    If we know one thing about time travel from watching cable, it’s that given the opportunity, someone will always travel back in time change things, whether to prevent World War II, or start World War III, or save Lois Lane from an unpleasant death. Whenever this takes place, we end up with a different timeline, presumably one in which someone different decides to kill someone’s parents before they’re born or whatnot, which creates yet another timeline, which is wiped out by someone else’s temporal shenanigans, and so on like a four-dimensional Escher painting.

    How many times does this take place? It’s impossible to say. As each timeline is created it’s instantly replaced, and you can’t get a thing done without finding out that your brother is suddenly your aunt, and rather than being a VCR repairman you’re Squindar, Lord of the Under-realm. It is for measurements such as these that the word “bazillion” was created.

    The only way reality can exist for more than an instant is when someone, by accident or design, changes things to create a universe where time travel is never discovered. And that, my friends, is where we are now. Time travel may be possible, but anyone who tries to discover it will fail, probably due to a misadventure of ludicrous improbability.

Fast + pray

Posted on July 25th, 2014 at 9:54 by John Sinteur in category: batshitinsane, Pastafarian News


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  1. Another wonderful example of folk art showing all the assured confidence of a mind untroubled by convention or comprehension. The wavy lettering no doubt produced by the pressure of working under the deadline threat of imminent Armageddon.

  2. @pete: Excellent start. Our thesis in Art History is now entitled:

    Alternating Alterities: The Dialectical Object as Therapy in Response to Societal Change.

  3. I an far too busy at the moment on a History of the Future of Postmodernism Reconsidered, which my publisher (myself) assures me will be a runnaway best seller.

  4. @Sue you’re in charge of naming all my research in the future. :-)

Fill in the dots…

Posted on July 19th, 2014 at 11:13 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News


A Pittsburgh pastor who wrote a not-quite-bestselling book about his successful struggle to become a former gay has been arrested for …..

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Church lawyer details cover-up claims on sex abuse

Posted on July 15th, 2014 at 21:25 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News


A canon lawyer alleging a widespread cover-up of clergy sex misconduct in the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis has made her most detailed claims yet, accusing archbishops and their top staff of lying to the public and of ignoring the U.S. bishops’ pledge to have no tolerance of priests who abuse.

Jennifer Haselberger, who spent five years as Archbishop John Nienstedt’s archivist and top adviser on Roman Catholic church law, also charged that the church used a chaotic system of record-keeping that helped conceal the backgrounds of guilty priests who remained on assignment.

Haselberger said that when she started examining records in 2008 of clergy under restrictions over sex misconduct with adults and children she found “nearly 20″ of the 48 men still in ministry. She said she repeatedly warned Nienstedt and his aides about the risk of these placements, but they took action only in one case. As a result of raising alarms, she said she was eventually shut out of meetings about priest misconduct. She resigned last year.

“Had there been any serious desire to implement change, it could have been done quickly and easily with the stroke of a single pen,” Haselberger wrote in the affidavit, released Tuesday in a civil lawsuit brought by attorney Jeff Anderson. “The archbishop’s administrative authority in his diocese is basically unlimited.”

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  1. This one dovetails nicely with Desiato’s question what power the Pope has. So, either he is in on the cover-up, or he asked “who runs Bartertown” and came up with the wrong answer…

  2. It’s a resource issue. They are so short of priests that they were prepared to ignore child abuse. (Also they were bringing priests from India into Canada, for example, in a rather nice inversion of the missionary position.) Without priests, the money stops rolling in…

    I don’t care if their religion survives (it doesn’t deserve to) but even I can see the solution.

  3. The devil made them do it? Which religion is this?

Pope Francis: ‘About 2%’ of Catholic clergy paedophiles

Posted on July 13th, 2014 at 17:19 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News


Pope Francis has been quoted as saying that reliable data indicates that “about 2%” of clergy in the Catholic Church are paedophiles.

The Pope said that abuse of children was like “leprosy” infecting the Church, according to the Italian La Repubblica newspaper.

He vowed to “confront it with the severity it demands”.

Yes, so you’ve been saying, but since I haven’t seen many handed over to authorities I think you underestimate the severity it demands.

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  1. Some people who cover up crimes are worse than the original criminals.

  2. Does the Pope actually have the direct personal power to hand over priests to the police? Can you point to concrete evidence?

  3. According to this religion, all he needs to do is sit in a chair and what is says is by definition impossible to be wrong. At all.

    And you’re seriously asking if this guy has any direct personal power?

  4. @Desiato: Yes. They have all sworn an oath of obedience.

  5. Total number of people registered as sex-offender in the US: 747,408 – and that’s not just against minors, but:

    “What classifies someone as a sex offender varies by legal jurisdiction and culture. In the U.S. a person can convicted for prostitution, obscene content in the form of a text message, sex with a minor, child molestation, rape and various other sexual assault convictions”

    So, if you pee against a tree in the wrong state, you’re also counted. So that’s about 0.24 percent of the entire population.

    I suspect this “About 2%” is a number conveniently rounded down, but even if it isn’t, we can forget about the old notion that the number of child predators in Church is not any different from that in the general population.

  6. @John @#3: But do you think that the cardinals *actually* will do whatever the Pope says? You believe that there are no power politics in the Catholic Church, cos hey, what the Pope says is the Word of God? Really?

  7. @Desiato @#2: The Pope has the same direct personal power as anyone anywhere to report a crime.

    The bigger question is why the Church seems to claim that it has institutional immunity NOT to report crimes.

Christian Pastor Who Tortured a Child Will Spend No More Than Two Years in Prison

Posted on July 9th, 2014 at 18:25 by John Sinteur in category: batshitinsane, Pastafarian News


Here’s what I know about the Heart of Worship Community Church in Corona, California: Its members love Jesus, its website needs a lot of help, and the pastor is fucked up.

This is what Pastor Lonny Lee Remmers (below), along with two church members, did to a 13-year-old boy in 2012 because he needed to be “disciplined”:

… The alleged incidents occurred in March and included [church members Nicholas James Craig and Darryll Duane Jeter Jr.] driving the unidentified boy to a desert and forcing him to dig his own grave for more than an hour. They allegedly hit him with a belt and threw dirt on him before returning to the group home.

While the boy was showering, one of the men allegedly rubbed salt into the cuts on his back. Witness Steven Larkey, who lives in the group home, told investigators he could hear the boy screaming and saw blood all over the shower the next day.

The boy, who was later taken into protective custody, also told police he had been stripped, tied to a chair and sprayed with Mace. Because he was not allowed to wash or cool off with water for half an hour, his nose began to bleed, and his thrashing from the pain caused the blood to splatter.

At a Bible study later that evening at Remmers’ home, Remmers asked the boy to sit in the middle of the group and then squeezed his nipple with pliers.

What’s the proper punishment for the abuse and torture of a little boy? A life sentence? A couple of decades behind bars?

Not even close. The men of God will receive, at most, up to two years in prison and some probation. That’s it. In most states, you get a harsher penalty for selling weed.

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  1. Lock the parents up too. They probably requested the extra discipline.

  2. Squeeze his nipples with electrified tweezers while simultaneously dipping his dick in hot pepper mash.

Child sexual abuse royal commission: Vatican declines request to provide all documents relating to Australian priests

Posted on July 5th, 2014 at 18:46 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News


The head of the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse, Justice Peter McClellan, revealed last month that he had personally written to the Vatican, seeking copies of all documents relating to complaints about abuse involving priests in Australia.

The Vatican has provided documents to the royal commission relating to two cases, but Justice McClellan wanted more information to find out how church authorities in Australia, under the guidance or direction of the Vatican, responded to allegations of abuse.

In a written response, the Vatican says the Holy See maintains the confidentiality of internal deliberations, adding that it would be inappropriate to provide such documents.

Leonie Sheedy, founder and chief executive of Care Leavers Australia Network, a support group for victims of child sexual abuse says the Catholic Church is treating the Australian public with contempt.

“I’m not surprised … I feel like the Catholic Church believes it is above the laws of Australia and probably the world,” she said.

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  1. Can’t a royal commission compel answers, under oath, from any Australian?

  2. Treating the public with contempt? What was your first clue? I really believe politician are even dumber than we thought.

‘As A Straight Christian American…’ – BK’s ‘Proud Whopper’ Just Too Much for Homophobes

Posted on July 4th, 2014 at 8:25 by John Sinteur in category: batshitinsane, Pastafarian News


Calling it a “sodomy burger” made by “Burger Queen,” anti-gay, homophobic, outraged Bible-waving social media users claiming to be Christian went on the attack almost as soon as Burger King changed its Facebook page photo to unveil its “Proud Whopper” yesterday. The billion-dollar fast food giant had introduced the burger — which is merely an ordinary Whopper wrapped in rainbow pride flag-like paper — at San Francisco’s pride parade, which it also sponsored.

“You need to keep sexual preference out of my food! I’ll be eating at the Chick Fil A”

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  1. Love thy neighbour…

  2. Sodomy burger? Isn’t that a double whopper with a hot dog in the middle?

  3. So, if they don’t want to eat a Proud Whopper, let them eat cake!

Minnesota Archbishop John Nienstedt

Posted on July 2nd, 2014 at 17:16 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News


Twin Cities (Minnesota) Archbishop John Nienstedt has spent years arguing against LGBT rights. In 2007, he wrote that “those who actively encourage or promote homosexual acts… formally cooperate in a grave evil and, if they do so knowingly and willingly, are guilty of mortal sin.” He condemned Brokeback Mountain when it came out. And he spent $650,000 of the Church’s money trying to convince Minnesota voters to pass an amendment banning same-sex marriage — an amendment that ultimately failed.

So guess what an investigation just found? GUESS! (Oh, this is too damn easy…)

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  1. Give him credit for consistency, though. The archbishop doesn’t “encourage or promote homosexual acts”. He forces those acts on the unwilling.

Vatican’s ex-ambassador to Dominican Republic defrocked

Posted on June 29th, 2014 at 11:17 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News


The Vatican has said it will restrict the movements of its former ambassador to the Dominican Republic after the senior papal representative, who was accused of sex abuse, was found guilty by a church court and defrocked.

In a statement on Friday the Vatican said Józef Wesołowski, who was recalled to Rome by Pope Francis last August amid allegations that he had paid for sex with minors, had in recent days been given a first-grade conviction in a canonical trial and sentenced to laicisation – a very rare step for such a senior official.

The Polish ex-nuncio, or ambassador, now has two months to appeal against the verdict of the Congregation of the Faith, said the statement. Criminal proceedings by judicial authorities in the Vatican City state would go ahead after the conviction was made definitive, it added.

And he’ll be convicted to spend time in a cozy Vatican City “restricted movement” instead of a Dominican cell. And they’re saying this with a straight face:

A month after his return, the Vatican said it would cooperate with Dominican authorities, and denied accusations that it was trying to shield him from investigations in the Caribbean , saying it was “in no way an attempt to help him avoid responsibility for whatever is eventually ascertained”


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  1. The ultimate terrorist, molesting small children. Is the Vatican a terrorist state?

Happy ramendan!

Posted on June 29th, 2014 at 11:05 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

Cheese be upon you after sundown!

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Kelly on excommunication from Mormon church: ‘I’ve done nothing wrong’

Posted on June 25th, 2014 at 19:56 by John Sinteur in category: batshitinsane, Pastafarian News

Next time there’s a Mormon at your door, just quote these ironic parts from their letter to Kate Kelly:


In his letter Monday to Kelly, Harrison said it had been his greatest desire to persuade Kelly to “desist from the course on which you have embarked” to keep her in the faith and to protect the “integrity of the church and its doctrine.”

“The difficulty, Sister Kelly, is not that you say you have questions or even that you believe that women should receive the priesthood. The problem is that you have persisted in an aggressive effort to persuade other church members to your point of view and that your course of action has threatened to erode the faith of others,” Harrison wrote. “You are entitled to your views, but you are not entitled to promote them and proselyte others to them while remaining in full fellowship in the church.”

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Young Mujahid sings Hoor al-Ayn nasheed with his brothers, preparing to meet her

Posted on June 25th, 2014 at 19:47 by John Sinteur in category: batshitinsane, Mess O'Potamia, Pastafarian News

[Who Are Al-Hoor Al-Ayn ?]:

Assalam Alaikum. The Imam Of The Sunnah, Ibn Al-Qayyim (may Allah swt have mercy on him and grant him the highest of Jannah) said in his Haadi al-Arwaah describing Jannah – about the Hoor :

“And if you ask about their brides and wives, then they are young and full-breasted and have had the liquid of youth flow through their limbs; the Sun runs along the beauty of her face if she shows it, light shines from between her teeth if she smiles; if you meet her love, then say whatever you want regarding the joining of two lights; he sees his face in the roundness of her cheek as if he is looking into a polished mirror, and he sees the brightness from behind her muscles and bones; if she were to be unleashed upon the World, she would fill what is between the Heavens and the Earth with a beautiful wind, and the mouths of the creation would glorifiy, praise, and exclaim greatness, and everything between the East and the West would be adorned for her, and every eye would be shut from everthing but her, and the light of the Sun would be outshone just as the light of the Sun outshines the light of the stars, and everyone on the face of the Earth would believe in the Ever-Living, the One who Sustains and Protects all the exists.”

“And the covering on her head is better than the World and all that is in it, and she does not increase with age except in beauty; free from an umbilical cord, childbirth and menses, and pure of mucous, saliva, urine and other filthy things; her youth never fades, her clothing is never worn out, no garment can be created that matches her beauty, and no one who is with her can ever become bored; her attention is restricted to her husband, so she desires none but him, just as his attention is restricted to her so she is the sole object of his desire, and he is with her in utmost safety and security, as none has touched her before of either humans or Jinn.”

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  1. What’s the big deal? You can buy these dolls online if you’re too embarrassed to shop for them personally.

Pope Francis Excommunicates the Calabrese Mafia -

Posted on June 23rd, 2014 at 20:46 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News


Deviating from prepared remarks at a mass in southern Italy, Pope Francis threw the ultimate brushback pitch at the Calabrese Mafia today, telling the organized crime syndicate they are excommunicated.

After all, if your business model is the extortion of money through threats of bad things, who needs the competition?

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  1. Keep in mind that as recently as the 1970s, a pope was (probably) killed for failing to play ball with (reputed) organized crime. While I think of mostly Borgias and Medicis getting iced in Game of Popes, it goes beyond that.

Pastor Serving Jail Time for Raping an Underage Girl Now Wants a Reduced Sentence Because He Says It Was Her Fault

Posted on June 22nd, 2014 at 14:01 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News


Three guesses what happened to the Christian youth groupie girl who said the following:

“I was raised by my parents and teachers to trust and obey my pastor. He was a celebrity to me, a father figure and a man of God. As my pastor, I sought guidance and counseling from (Schaap) when I was in need of help.”

You guessed correctly.


Schaap was tried, convicted, and is now serving time for his crimes. But now he’s issued an appeal to his sentence, saying that due to the girl’s original reasons for seeking him out for counseling, she should share part of the blame for his actions.

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  1. Er, John? Any chance you could put up that rather nice picture, “Smells like…”?
    I think it’s either that or 72-point screaming…

  2. I’d cut off his nuts, just to be on the safe side ;-)

Pope Francis Condemns Legalization of Marijuana

Posted on June 21st, 2014 at 11:29 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News


Pope Francis has come out strongly against the legalization of recreational drugs, lending his voice to the debate which is raging from the U.S. to Uruguay and beyond.

Francis told members of a drug-enforcement conference meeting in Rome on Friday that even limited attempts to legalize recreational drugs “are not only highly questionable from a legislative standpoint, but they fail to produce the desired effects.”

Isn’t it funny how you can live a good life by simply going against everything the Church stands for? Don’t rape boys, smoke a joint if you want, give females full control over their own body, let consenting adults do whatever they want in the privacy of their bed room, give all people the same rights regardless of gender or orientation… the list goes on…

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  1. Happy belated Pride Day, Pope me old stick!

Rape victims say Bob Jones University told them to repent

Posted on June 21st, 2014 at 11:05 by John Sinteur in category: batshitinsane, Pastafarian News


Raised in a conservative Mennonite home in rural Ohio, Katie Landry was a sheltered kid. She hadn’t even held hands with a boy when, at age 19, she says her supervisor at her summer job raped her. Two years later, and desperate for help, she reported the abuse to the dean of students at her college.

“He goes, ‘Well, there’s always a sin under other sin. There’s a root sin,’” Landry remembers. “And he said, ‘We have to find the sin in your life that caused your rape.’ And I just ran.”

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  1. Right… Her “sin” was being young, pretty (probably), and a virgin. I’m glad she ran from that asshat – as far as she could go!

  2. Sounds like she got “raped” twice, but religions have been doing that forever.

The Seven Signs You’re in a Cult

Posted on June 18th, 2014 at 21:08 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News


November 2, 2012, was a beautiful Friday in Kansas City—clear and cool and sunny. I had spent the afternoon reading in the library at an unaccredited college affiliated with the International House of Prayer, an evangelical Christian organization commonly referred to as IHOP (no relation to the restaurant). Around 6 pm, I got a call from my friend Hannah*.

“I found out something that’s truly devastating. I didn’t want to tell you this way, but I want you to know,” she said. “Bethany Leidlein committed suicide on Tuesday.”

I was shocked. For seven years, I had spent hours every day with Bethany, eating and talking and praying. We had been best friends. She was 27, newly married; she had just completed her nursing degree. I felt like she would always be part of my life.

Now, she was gone.

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  1. I read the linked article in the Atlantic, with the seven signs that you are in a cult. In my opinion, one of the signs is a leader with strong sociopathic tendencies and delusions of grandeur who demands uncritical personal devotion, and has complicated sexual relationships with a number of the followers.

    I have recently read biographies of L. Ron Hubbard and Ayn Rand, and they both fit the description as very similar sociopaths who demanded cultish devotion from their followers, had sexual relationships with a number of acolytes, and punished or excommunicated anybody who displayed independent thinking.

  2. @John: Fascinating. All religions start as cults, I think. Some get to some kind of escape velocity and become more-or-less respectable.

    ‘Cults of Unreason’ by Chris Evans is old but interesting on the subject. Available here: http://www.holysmoke.org/cos/books/


Posted on June 17th, 2014 at 9:46 by John Sinteur in category: batshitinsane, Pastafarian News



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  1. Two ‘merican flags on the back of the trailer, I understand. But the Israeli flag? Is this person from the Israeli tourist bureau?

  2. That might be an optical illusion, Sue. I’m not sure the flag in the middle is an American flag to begin with, and they might just appear to come from the back of the trailer because of the perspective of the picture. They might be over the building in the background.

  3. When you deal with wackos like this, everything you see is an illusion… :rolleyes:

  4. In the last picture of the set you can clearly see that the three flags are attached to the trailer. The middle one is black and I’m drawing a blank on what it would be. The American flag is obvious. The Israeli flag is probably because of Zionism.

  5. @Evan: Black POW-MIA flag, perhaps.

Reynolds HS suspect planned to ‘kill sinners’

Posted on June 15th, 2014 at 11:27 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News


The 15-year old gunman at Reynolds High School planned to kill classmates, who he called “sinners,” according to a journal police found in the suspect’s home.


The teen suspected of entering Reynolds High School Tuesday and killing one student before shooting himself was an active member of his Mormon church and was “highly regarded for his spirituality,” a church elder told NBC Wednesday.

I’m sure they’ll soon blame video games for his trouble.

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Let’s check the math….

Posted on June 12th, 2014 at 14:51 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News


JESUS + Anything = Nothing

JESUS + Nothing = JESUS + (JESUS + Anything)

2(JESUS) + Anything = Everything

JESUS = (Everything-Anything)/2

Yeah, I’m stumped; Jesus is slightly less than half of everything?

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  1. I got this one:

    Assume that “Nothing” = 0.

    Therefore Jesus + Anything = 0,
    which implies Anything = – Jesus
    i.e. Anything is the AntiChrist (remember we’re using imaginary numbers here).

    And Jesus + 0 = Everything, is self-evident, as any fule kno.

  2. Nothing is better than Jesus. A ham sandwich is better than nothing. Conclusion: A ham sandwich is better than Jesus.

  3. All this Jesus crap is annoying. Being annoyed is worse than nothing. Conclusion nothing is better than being annoyed by Jesus crap. Wait.. that did not come out the way I wanted. Ah forget this comment, I am going to make a ham sandwich.

  4. You’re all going to hell. Save me a spot next to the AC.

  5. Just take Jesus out of the equation altogether and you’re left with Anything < Nothing < Everything.

    How can nothing be more than anything?

Creationist author asks: If evolution is true, “is rape wrong?”

Posted on June 12th, 2014 at 8:35 by John Sinteur in category: batshitinsane, Pastafarian News

Ok, let’s follow that thought… Since humans are social creatures that rely primarily on their intellect and communal structures to thrive, those who are inclined toward rape would be exhibiting negative traits – namely, violence toward one’s own race, a disregard for others, and general malice. Each of these traits are unfavorable in the grand scheme of group dynamics as well as self-preservation (in that making enemies is bad for one’s self).
So yes, rape is objectively bad within the context of racial/social progress and evolution of the human species.

The bible, on the other hand, permits and encourages rape.

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  1. Ah, the old “you’ll get raped if you don’t do what we say” argument. Off with his nuts!

  2. Only nuts? Take the head also – both them, although the one on the top of neck is useless in thee cases

  3. Hey, I just don’t want his kind reproducing! Evolutionarily speaking that is the result we want.

  4. “Ah, the old “you’ll get raped if you don’t do what we say” argument. Off with his nuts!”

    Spoken like a true Taliban. Agree with my point of view or die.

  5. Ah dear reader, this is, what we might well call, for the sake of argument, a joke.

    Such a cry-baby. He won’t die as a eunuch. It might be a teeny bit uncomfortable at first (bags of frozen peas help, apparently), but he’ll soon be back on the job.

    And if cats are anything to go by, he won’t even miss them. He’ll be better off really. Now where are my old fashioned sheep shears?

Louie Gohmert tells Congress the ‘good news’ that non-Christians are ‘going to Hell’

Posted on June 12th, 2014 at 8:28 by John Sinteur in category: batshitinsane, Pastafarian News

This guy sits on the subcommittee on the constitution, civil rights and civil liberties….

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  1. Cancel my subscription to the resurrection.

  2. The lunatics are indeed in charge of the assylum

  3. Makes you look forward to the “rapture”. Do we get their stuff?

1 Timothy 4:2

Posted on June 10th, 2014 at 10:30 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News


Archbishop Robert J. Carlson claimed to be uncertain that he knew sexual abuse of a child by a priest constituted a crime when he was auxiliary bishop in the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis, according to a deposition released Monday.

During the deposition taken last month, attorney Jeff Anderson asked Carlson whether he knew it was a crime for an adult to engage in sex with a child.

“I’m not sure whether I knew it was a crime or not,” Carlson replied. “I understand today it’s a crime.”

Anderson went on to ask Carlson whether he knew in 1984, when he was an auxiliary bishop in the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis, that it was crime for a priest to engage in sex with a child.

“I’m not sure if I did or didn’t,” Carlson said.

Yet according to documents released Monday by the law firm Jeff Anderson & Associates in St. Paul, Carlson showed clear knowledge that sexual abuse was a crime when discussing incidents with church officials during his time in Minnesota.

In a 1984 document, for example, Carlson wrote to the then archbishop of St. Paul and Minneapolis, John R. Roach, about one victim of sexual abuse and mentioned that the statute of limitations for filing a claim would not expire for more than two years. He also wrote that the parents of the victim were considering reporting the incident to the police.

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This car probably runs on faith

Posted on June 8th, 2014 at 17:10 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News


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  1. This ride’s all about Comfort –

  2. FORD- Found On Road Dead. In case referring to owners mental acumen

Tell us the truth about the children dumped in Galway’s mass graves

Posted on June 7th, 2014 at 17:34 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News


Father Fintan Monaghan, secretary of the Tuam archediocese, says: “I suppose we can’t really judge the past from our point of view, from our lens. All we can do is mark it appropriately and make sure there is a suitable place here where people can come and remember the babies that died.”

Let’s not judge the past on our morals, then, but on the morals of the time. Was it OK, in mid-20th century Ireland, to throw the bodies of dead children into sewage tanks? Monaghan is really saying: “don’t judge the past at all”. But we must judge the past, because that is how we learn from it.

Monaghan is correct that we need to mark history appropriately. That’s why I am offering the following suggestions as to what the church should do to in response:

Do not say Catholic prayers over these dead children. Don’t insult those who were in life despised and abused by you. Instead, tell us where the rest of the bodies are. There were homes throughout Ireland, outrageous child mortality rates in each. Were the Tuam Bon Secours sisters an anomalous, rebellious sect? Or were church practices much the same the country over? If so, how many died in each of these homes? What are their names? Where are their graves? We don’t need more platitudinous damage control, but the truth about our history.

Pray tell, father — just how recently should acts of such crassness and cruelty have taken place so that we are allowed, in your divinely-inspired opinion, to judge the perpetrators?

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  1. I don’t believe there were perpetrators, exactly. The whole Dickensian pre-modern system of life: extreme poverty and ignorance, forbidding new ideas including women’s rights, contraception and abortion. This meant a deluge of unwed mothers who were sent off to convents to have their unwanted babies.

    There the assistance during childbirth consisted basically of holding down the mother. Inevitable high mortality in children and women. Unclaimed bodies of dead babies were a burden. (In Canada, there was a fuss when it was revealed that such babies – some murdered – had been buried in butter boxes in unmarked graves.)

    Everyone was in on this. They all knew what was going on. Nobody cared enough to change it. Part of how the partriarchy kept people in check.

  2. Cogently and elegantly put, Sue. I would not disagree with anything you say about the poverty and ignorance of the time. And yet there were indeed perpetrators. Someone held those mothers down in childbirth. Someone decreed that the amount and quality of food provided was inadequate to sustain life. Someone judged that this little life was not worth saving. Someone decided that the resulting tiny corpses should be thrown into a septic tank and somebody did the throwing.

    Saying that everyone is responsible becomes indistinguishable from saying that nobody is responsible.

    And the elephant in the room is that brand of religion which permitted such unspeakable cruelty – perpetrated on women and children by nuns and their ilk – in the name of their loving God.

    Think of the iconography – the sweet fat cherubim, the sanctified holy mother – and think of the reality this episode reveals. Bon Secours. Really?

  3. @porpentine: It’s the western equivalent of honour-killing; sending pregnant girls out of the family onto the streets (unlucky) or into the convents (somewhat luckier).

    Clearly these and other nuns were involved, and those women sometimes took advantage of their wretched little fiefdoms to make their victims’ lives intolerable (was still going on in the ’80’s to my certain knowledge).

    The hierarchy is up to its exotic underwear in guilt. They also have any records that remain about past crimes.

    The rotten-to-the-core Irish (and other) governments paid for this system of “faith-based” social work (and education). “Nice” people turned away.

    On the hypocrisy: complete mind-control, systematically applied from ealiest childhood by their education system. Adults raised in this system literally cannot see what they are supporting, they still go to mass and still pay their dues. North Korea has only being doing this for a few decades, the catholic hierarchy have centuries of experience. They know it works.

  4. They’re killing babies!

  5. @chas: Possibly. Probably just not doing anything to help them live. The much-admired Spartans also had a system for keeping their population down :-)

Nailed it

Posted on June 5th, 2014 at 12:55 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News

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Matthew 27:24

Posted on June 3rd, 2014 at 20:30 by John Sinteur in category: ¿ʞɔnɟ ǝɥʇ ʇɐɥʍ, batshitinsane, Pastafarian News


“How do we determine when a priest is and is not on duty?” one of the justices asked, according to a video of the session on the court’s website.

“Well,” replied the diocese lawyer, “you can determine a priest is not on duty when he is molesting a child, for example. …

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Bodies of 800 babies, long-dead, found in septic tank at former Irish home for unwed mothers

Posted on June 3rd, 2014 at 16:12 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News


In a town in western Ireland, where castle ruins pepper green landscapes, there’s a six-foot stone wall that once surrounded a place called the Home. Between 1925 and 1961, thousands of “fallen women” and their “illegitimate” children passed through the Home, run by the Bon Secours nuns in Tuam.

Many of the women, after paying a penance of indentured servitude for their out-of-wedlock pregnancy, left the Home for work and lives in other parts of Ireland and beyond. Some of their children we not so fortunate.

More than five decades after the Home was closed and destroyed — where a housing development and children’s playground now stands — what happened to nearly 800 of those abandoned children has now emerged: Their bodies were piled into a massive septic tank sitting in the back of the structure and forgotten, with neither gravestones nor coffins.

Part of the Roman Catholic Church, “Bon Secours” means “good help” in French. As usual, whatever an organization uses as a motto is the very thing they are most worried about (a good modern example is Philips “let’s make things better”).

Here’s a quote from their home page:


Since 1824 the Sisters of Bon Secours have brought compassion, healing, and liberation to those they serve.

Whether in healthcare, education or social services, in hospitals, clinics or parishes, in towns and cities or isolated villages, Bon Secours responds to a universal need: To provide to all who suffer a reason to live and a reason to hope.


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  1. And the Catholic Church believes in the sanctity of life? I guess as long as the childreb weren’t aborted this isn’t inconsistent.

Pope Francis: Catholic church has zero tolerance for paedophile priests

Posted on June 1st, 2014 at 13:14 by John Sinteur in category: Pastafarian News


Pope Francis has announced his first meeting with a group of sexual abuse victims at the Vatican, declaring that any priests involved in molesting children had performed the equivalent of “a satanic mass”.

“We must go ahead with zero tolerance,” the pope said, adding that three bishops were currently under investigation.

“Sexual abuse is such an ugly crime … because a priest who does this betrays the body of the Lord. It is like a satanic Mass,” said Francis in some of the toughest language he has used on a crisis that has rocked the Church for more than a decade.

Conveniently missing is the phrase “we will hand them over to civil authorities”.

Also missing is the date this zero tolerance begins, since “must go ahead” implies they are still not doing to this very day. Sorry Francis, but I have zero tolerance for marketing bullshit.

Oh, and note that raping kids has far more real-world effects than breaking the rules of your role playing fantasy world satanic mass.

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  1. Er, John? How do I write “Bullsh#t” in 72-point or above?

    ‘Cos I really feel the need to shout that…

  2. Does this help?

  3. Yep, that’ll do it.

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